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A Woman of Valor: A Confessional Chronicle
Sunday. I’ve survived. It’s a relief after the harrowing events of Friday night. Though I’m still catching my breath and my digestive system is protesting loudly, I’ve found a sense of calm amidst the storm. This week, I’m scheduled for the installation of a Dual Chamber Pacemaker, a procedure that holds hope for restoring my breathing and improving my overall well-being. I certainly hope so. I am incredibly weary.
Two score and three years ago, I met the love of my life during the early stages of my middle age. We were enveloped in a whirlwind of around 100 friends who constantly entered and exited our lives, some swiftly and others more gradually. It was a dynamic and ever-changing world for us.
On the day we announced our decision to marry, almost all of them advised Snookums against marrying me, and their concern was genuine. I was a wreck, struggling to navigate the free-spirited era of the ’60s. In fact, I was a mess, broken and fragmented. Yet, she married me, bought me a bright yellow pickup, and sent me south with the instructions to call for her once I found work.
She transformed me into a man. A line from a poem in the book of Proverbs, the 31st chapter, often resonates with me, titled “A woman of valor,” where the author proudly extols his wife. One line that particularly strikes me is Proverbs 31:23:
“Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.“
This verse epitomizes the respect and honor a husband receives due to the virtues and excellence of his capable and courageous wife, as described earlier in Proverbs 31. I haven’t needed to seek a woman of valor. I already have one. We vowed at the beginning that divorce was not an option (murder, however, wasn’t off the table), and all we asked of God was to allow us to grow old together. And here we are.
Something prompts me each morning to remind Snooks of how she sculpted a man out of a bundle of imperfections. Her short-term memory may falter due to the stroke, but the memories of our marriage remain vivid. Perhaps, one of these mornings, the words will find a permanent place in her long-term memory.
I’m uncertain about who will go first. Few are granted the privilege of choosing their moment to depart. I would prefer she precede me, as I understand the profound grief that follows, and I would spare her that pain. But whatever will be, will be. Blessed be He.
In the movie “Les Misérables” (2012), during the scene where Jean Valjean is on his deathbed, he imparts, “To love another person is to see the face of God.” This profound line encapsulates the theme of love and redemption, a theme Snookums has played a pivotal role in my life.
Like Valjean, I haven’t always been the man I should have been. Yet, she consistently overlooked my shortcomings and steered our lives back on course, never to bring them up again. This unwavering support has empowered me to stand among godly men. I didn’t earn that right—it was bestowed upon me.
So, the wheel of days continues its relentless turn. Someday, it will all crumble into unimaginable sorrow for those unfortunate souls who remain. I’ve read the book, and I’m grateful I won’t witness that day. I cling precariously to a belief. I had previously written that it was all in vain, but that was a thoughtless and despairing remark. I deeply repent for my words.
Later this month, Snookums will reunite with her cousins, likely for the last time. I am comforted by the thought that she will have this final opportunity. The aunts and uncles are no longer here. Her brother and sister reside half a continent away. She laid her mother to rest and left everything behind to follow me.
In this moment, I am both cleansed and heartbroken.
Good morning.
J’ai des Regrets: Reflections and Resolutions in My Morning Journal
This morning, I find myself cringing at yesterday’s self-serving and maudlin post. Some of my medications seem to make my emotions run amok. Typically, I am not that emotional. Aging is undoubtedly challenging, a sentiment we all share, but it’s no reason to derail as I did. To those I cut short and unloaded on, I sincerely ask for your forgiveness. Upsetting anyone or limiting responses was not my intention. Such posts should remain in my private diary.
Today is a new day, and it began reasonably well, albeit a bit sleepily. I stretched and disconnected myself from all the biological tubes, then shuffled into the kitchen for a bit of coffee and cake with Snookums. She seemed cheerful, and her memory was better than usual today. We discussed some news items, and her perceptiveness stood out.
Later, I made my way down to my studio, only to cringe once again at yesterday’s post. There wasn’t much else worth noting—news, blah; video games, blah; weather, mild.
Today is a day of introspection and regret. I’ll strive to keep my emotions in check and return to my old stoic self.
Good morning!
In the Shadow of Atropos: Meditations on Aging and Grief
Today I woke late. But there is no reason to get up early these days, so learning that an occasional morning off isn’t the end of the world. I don’t know how I You-Tube video today of a guy who goes around restoring forgotten and overgrown grave sites, but there it was, and I watched as he cleared off the overgrown graveyard in some unknown cemetery in Oklahoma. Apparently, it was a family site as well as a community grave, and it had some eternal funding for cemetery maintenance that disappeared with the last caretakers death around 1940.
There were ornate stones, one of a log tree that had been cut short meaning that the person died in their 20’s. There were some with lambs on them meaning children who died young or in childbirth. There were husband/wife stones. Some stones were pushed aside and became enclosed in tree trunks, and it would be impossible to read them without cutting the tree apart.
Then the vanity of it all fell like a leaden cloud on me. I had a Solomonic moment. The original Hebrew for this is “הֲבֵ֤ל הֲבָלִים֙ הַֽכֹּ֔ל הָֽֽבֶל” which is transliterated as “hevel havalim, hakol hevel.”
“הֲבֵל” (hevel) means “vanity” or “breath.”
“הַֽכֹּל” (hakol) means “all” or “everything.”
So, “הֲבֵ֤ל הֲבָלִים֙ הַֽכֹּל הָֽֽבֶל” translates to “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity” in English.
I sit here heartbroken and unconsolable as I watch the woman of my youth wither, and not being of any real help to her at this point. You-Tube videos keep her entertained in the days, and her old routine of watching the evening news feeds takes the evenings. We have a small moments of lucidity and laughter in the mornings with our coffee, and for brief moments throughout the day.
Soon, the inevitable happens, and Atropos snips our tread free of the fabric of life. Maybe believers in Messiah give me a little grace as I resort to pagan beliefs as a rhetorical and whimsical device, and not a theology I believe. But today I am feeling small and overwhelmed, and the old Greek myths sought to explain the unexplainable to a populace that had no hope.
Truthfully, I am not without hope, nor am I in despair. But for this moment in front of the unblinking cyclops where I pen my thoughts, I submit to sadness. We will probably be interred in urns, and in a few short years, we will be forgotten just as those graves that bravely but uselessly faced death. We simply cannot contain the memories lives of all those who have passed, nor should we.
VIVI, NON VIVI, VIXI.
“I was alive.”
“I am not alive”
“I have lived.”
Inscribed on ancient Roman headstones and memorials. Soon Linda and I will pass into that long good night. My hope is in a resurrection where I’ll see her once again in her old beauty. Many of her friends have passed into the long sleep, and none are left who bring her joy. She walks that final mile alone and uncomforted, and I mutely watch.
My hope is to not pass until she does. I would spare her the awful grief. But that is not my choice. Others will dictate that event, and I can’t prevail against it.
Weep with me if you will, but do not console me, for I am inconsolable.
George Fowler
Thursday, September 28, 2023
Journal: Bring on the latter rains
The morning dawns damp and gray. The first of the fall rains landed with fury and lightning. Spent most of the night comforting dogs until the last boomer rolled by at 3am. In this part of the country, much will green up, but a few of the trees and plants mark the season by the length of day. We get unusual combinations of autumn rusts and reds, with the bright greenery that this land always impresses me.
We had a two-year drought some years back that killed trees and dried up the land. Then a wet spring came, and suddenly it was like there was never a drought. The land turns feral and lush at those times.
It is a bit dank in my studio, but I think I’ll leave the AC off for awhile and pretend that I am a native here, hardy and adaptable to the changing climate. Sometimes I think that the Texan toughness is real, and other times it is mere swagger. But there is a resourcefulness that amazes me.
I have many chores today. Lab tests, cleaning and straightening, and the ever-monotonous round of bill paying. But I think I will spend some time just reflecting and letting my world return to normal after my duel with Thanatos this weekend. I almost let him win, but oddly, in surrender, I find strength. I relish every easy breath I am given. Being able to sit up without nausea. To get up today and waken it properly by starting the coffee, opening the drapes, taking a mountain of medicines and injections and finally settling in to finish off that second cup at leisure.
Snooks is sleeping late this morning, and I’ll just let her sleep as long as she wants. The dogs disagree, however. They keep coming in and telling me that woman is still in bed, and they don’t like the change in routine. I just pat them on the head and admonish them that life is just hard somedays.
I made a stab at the news this morning, but I am caring less and less these days. I have fought for what I thought was right, but now I am powering down. Maybe I’ll sell off some guns, but not all. I am not retreating, just holding the beachhead.
I am not real happy with the shocker thingy they are implanting in me, but I have taking the attitude that they can have one more shot at it, then it is enough.
Anyhoos. A few more computer chores, then a short drive to the vampires at the local clinic.
Good morning.
“Dawning Reflections: Navigating Life’s Unpredictable Journey”
My morning journal:
This Friday, I had a terrible night and really thought it was the big one (death). I struggled with the idea of waking the family and/or dialing 911, then decided to simply let it go and put it in the hands of God. Whatever it was, it broke around daylight, and I remained in bed the entire day and the next evening. I had a very short period of nausea around sundown, then returned to bed.
But Sunday dawned, and I felt almost human. I spent the day trying to get my blood sugars back in a normal range and rhythm. I am at that stage in life where the pain is going to dictate whether I see the medics or not. I don’t need to suffer with that. I am medicated to the 9nth degree as it stands now, and I am going to stop seeking cures.
None the less, I am not all that morbid. I am still going to do the implanted heart device soon. It is some sort of thing that stops arrhythmia. It runs on a battery that is placed under the skin and requires minor surgery from time to time to replace the battery. It supposedly reprimands the heart if it decides to step out of the straight and narrow by Tazing it or something. It has majorly messed up some other plans I have made for the next few months.
“Mentsch tracht, un Gott lakht,” as they say in Yiddish. Man plans, and God laughs, it would seem. I had three appointments, a family trip, and a few other items that all fell on that same day. So, I am trying to move things around, and that with the foggy brain that has remained with me over the weekend.
Not much new other than that is going on. The days have cooled, and a breeze heralds in to blow out the old and bring in the new. But I do notice the sunlight is weakening, and the birds, neeper-peepers, and bugs have all gone silent. The meadows look a bit spent. And it all closes in on my state of mind.
I think I am more weary than anything, even to the point of being weary with being weary. I am hoping for a little rally in my overall well-being. That would be nice. I could get so much in order. And the days roll on by. I idly watch life passing by on my little window into the internet and the big window behind me. I have a mirror set to the right of my PC that lets me look out the real window with a mere glance to the side.
Good morning.
Reflections in the Morning Rain: Navigating Life’s Currents
The rains persist this Rosh Hashanah morning as I enter the kitchen for my routine of morning coffee, insulin shots, and pills. Snooks surprises me by taking on the Shabbat dishes today. Before my coffee, I have a can of grapefruit soda, a small indulgence from my great nephew and niece.
Afterward, I retreat to my studio, choosing to read about the latest events. I deliberately skip over numerous stories of political misconduct and grandstanding. Life has taught me not to easily trust those who seek to ‘lead’ me. Whenever I ponder what they lead me into, it seems to translate into something less than what I already possess. I’ve relinquished my desire to carry political torches.
There’s little else of significance. Athletes with poor manners, celebrities with questionable ethics, and religious leaders swayed by the wealth they’ve amassed. I gave up TV years ago, and now I contemplate relinquishing internet news as well. I’m tired of voting against someone rather than finding genuine hope and enthusiastically supporting a worthy cause. It takes a mere five years to disillusion an idealist into a self-serving politician.
Today, I reflect on how I’ll shape my life beyond the reach of those who govern supposedly for my well-being. I’ve allowed myself to become ensnared, depending on them for medical care and the ability to travel. This realization isn’t comforting.
So, I press forward thoughtfully, standing in line for what I need. I once believed I was free, only to realize I had become a pawn. Yet, I hold on to the belief that there’s something greater.
Good morning.
“Embracing the Day: Reflections on Life, Creativity, and Resilience”
A wet, drippy morning embraced the day, the low 70’s offering a reprieve from the relentless heat and drought of yesteryears. The droplets outside whispered tales of transformation, a tangible reminder that seasons change, both in weather and in life. Shaking off the remnants of sleep, I unhooked myself from the slumber’s grasp and navigated to the kitchen, the aroma of coffee promising a gentle awakening.
The studio, my haven of creativity, beckoned me next. It was time to sift through the daily deluge of news, a task laced with skepticism. In a world where truth seemed elusive, attempting to find a balanced perspective often felt like a futile endeavor. The headlines from the left and right blurred into a mosaic of deception, leaving me yearning for a clearer narrative. Yet, amidst this quagmire, I reminded myself of who truly held the reins of control and chose to silence the discordant voices.
The crossword puzzle, a delightful mental exercise, followed suit. With surprising ease, the answers flowed from pen to paper, resulting in a score that boasted a victory of sorts. The allure of the train simulation beckoned, a virtual adventure awaiting, but today, it offered no new landscapes to explore.
A quiet journey to the bedroom revealed a flicker of light from the bathroom, signaling that my beloved Snooks was stirring. She had wrestled with a restless night, the memories of which now danced beyond her reach. Yesterday had been a rare day of productivity, a precious gem amidst the struggles that had become all too familiar. She clung to the fragments of familiarity—family and friends—yet the sands of recent time slipped through the sieve of her short-term memory.
A former colleague had left a number for her to call, a gesture of kindness that would momentarily brighten her day. The conversation would flow, and she would sound like her old self, bringing comfort to her friend. However, the conversation’s echoes would fade within the recesses of her mind mere minutes after it concluded.
In parallel, my own battles waged silently. Fatigue and restlessness, an unusual alliance, had become constant companions. Writing again had become a balm, soothing the weariness of the soul, although it hadn’t yet emboldened me to tackle larger literary endeavors. These small coffee posts, simple yet meaningful, seemed to mirror my contentment, born from a life that others might perceive as uneventful.
As the day unfurled its canvas, I took solace in kindling the flickering flame of creativity. A reservoir of doggerel lay behind me, a testament to lighter musings. I glanced through the shelves of older manuscripts, a journey through time, before gently placing them back. Journals and essays beckoned, offering a path that felt aligned with the cadence of my thoughts.
And so, with the sun ascending on this wet and promising morning, I embraced the day ahead. The world continued its relentless dance, and I, too, must continue mine.
Good morning!
“Reflections on Life: A Journey of Healing and Wisdom”
Well, the holiday has come and gone. Since every day feels like a holiday to me now, it went mostly unnoticed. I still have two family members who go to work, and I can tell what day it is by their groans of agony when the work week begins.
I’ve been noticing an improvement in my writing lately, which is a relief. Writing is my last refuge, and if I were to lose the ability to communicate, I’d truly feel lost.
Supposedly, today marks the end of the heat wave, and temperatures are expected to drop tomorrow. It might not be a significant drop, but at least the days of sweltering 100-degree weather are over, and we can look forward to autumn. I’m eager to get back to spending some time in the yard.
My wife, whom I affectionately call “Snookums,” gave us a scare this week when she wasn’t feeling well. She went to bed and stayed there, which is unusual for her. We worried it might be a stroke or arrhythmia, so we kept a close eye on her. Even though she may have felt alone, 14 pairs of eyes passed by her doorway and paused, watching her breathe. Fortunately, the following day, she seemed to have recovered, and all our concerns were forgotten.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting scheduled with the palliative care team. It seems I may have passed the worst of my crisis, or at least I hope so. I’m unsure whether to continue with their care or not. I think I’d like to keep them involved in my treatment plan because I don’t anticipate significant improvement. However, my kidney numbers have been gradually improving, even if only slightly.
I hope my ambition returns one day. I dislike feeling aimless for extended periods. Maybe God intends for me to embrace this phase of life as a time of reflection. I’ve read that God imparts a different wisdom to the elderly, and I can now attest to its truth. It may not necessarily be better, but it is different. Complexities in scripture become clearer, and I’m delighted by the revelations.
When I was a young man, I had different priorities, all given by God as well. A laborer needs encouragement, an idler requires motivation, a father must endure, a husband needs to express love outwardly, and an old man needs visions just to know that his labor was not in vain.
So, the day has led to noon. A nap is on the horizon.
“An Elder’s Gaze Beyond the River’s Edge”
In the window’s frame, an old man sits,
Gazing out with pensive wits.
Once, his house stood neat and bright,
Now, it’s in disarray’s twilight.
Drapes hang loose, tables cluttered, astray,
But today, no tidying, come what may.
And not tomorrow, he’s quite certain,
His thoughts on a distant, obscure curtain.
His eyes don’t dwell on the present’s charm,
But a far-off shore, across a river’s calm.
No sorrow fills his heart’s core,
Rather, curiosity, he can’t ignore.
He’s prepared, though unsure of the quest,
Ready for whatever comes, at best.
Across that mystic, unknown shore,
An old man ponders, forevermore.
Embracing the Rhythms of Life: Moments with Snookums
Date: Wednesday August 30
As I sit down with my morning cup of coffee and a slice of cake, I’m reminded of the subtle beauty that fills our everyday lives. It’s these small moments, like sharing a simple breakfast with my beloved Snookums, that remind me to cherish the present.
Snookums and Her Journey:
My wife, Snookums, is a remarkable woman. Her strength and resilience have been tested in ways most of us can’t even imagine. After a stroke, she’s embarked on a journey of relearning and rediscovery. Every day, she faces the challenges that come with rebuilding her life, and she does it with grace and determination.
Morning Coffee and Cake:
Our morning routine has taken on a special significance. It’s not just about the caffeine jolt; it’s a moment to connect, to share our dreams and aspirations, and to simply be together. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the room, and the sweetness of cake complements the bitterness of the coffee perfectly. It’s a reminder that life is all about balance, just like our journey.
The Monotony of Insulin Shots and Pilling:
Life after a stroke comes with its share of monotony. The routine of insulin shots and medication pills can sometimes seem never-ending. But in the midst of this routine, we find a deeper appreciation for each other’s support. These moments, seemingly mundane, are a testament to our commitment to Snookums’ health and well-being.
The Rotation of Days:
Life has a rhythm, a rotation of days, that we often take for granted. But when you face a significant life event like a stroke, you learn to appreciate the ebb and flow of time. Each day is a new opportunity to grow, to love, and to cherish.
As I look at Snookums, I’m reminded that life is a journey, and every step counts. Her journey is one of bravery, love, and hope. We’re in this together, navigating the waves of life’s challenges and relishing in the moments of joy.
In closing, I want to encourage all of you to find beauty in the seemingly ordinary moments of your lives. Whether it’s a morning cup of coffee, a shared meal, or a routine that may seem monotonous, these are the threads that make up the tapestry of our existence. Embrace them, for they are the true essence of life.
Good morning.
Rusty's Armory 