Even so …
The nurse delivered the verdict this morning. The vigil begins. She sleeps in repose. I stroke her brow and tell her I love her. Her blue eyes opened—she returned the look—then closed with a murmur I couldn’t catch.
I asked my niece, Amber, to set up a chair and a hassock so that I could stay by her bedside.
I have spent a lifetime running from grief; it usually destroys me. But this time, there is no running. I will be there. In the end, she will walk those last steps alone. And so will I. It is agonizing. I want to go with her; I want to walk those steps at her side. That is the cruelty of death. I would gladly place her frail form into G_d’s loving hands.
My faith wavers between belief and disbelief. I was a fool who spoke of things I knew nothing about. I thought I would be strong when the time came. I am not.
It is a sacred moment. I will honor it in the marrow of my soul. This woman looked at me—a drunk with a nasty disposition, a man who destroyed more than he built—and thought, “I will marry him.” She did. She gave me a life I never merited. By rights, I should have spent my years in a cell, yet here I am.
Forgive me for howling in this impotent rage and pain. It is a tragic moment, but it is sacred. G_d is nearby. I will honor that thought—and in the quiet of this watch, I simply say:
Even so.
Rusty's Armory 
February 17, 2026 at 4:08 pm
Sir, I am so sorry that it has come to this time and you will have to deal with all the grief and pain it will bring to you. I know all too well those feelings. Take comfort in the fact that she will be at peace and that you had her in your life for so many years. Your one true love who stood by you through everything. And now it is your turn to stay by her side and then let her go. One day you will be with her again. ❤️
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February 17, 2026 at 4:48 pm
Rusty, if prayers can help during this difficult time then please know that you both are in my prayers. She will be safe and she will be loved just as you are loved by so many. ♥
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February 17, 2026 at 5:51 pm
I’m so very sorry, and wish I had words that could ease your pain. But you’re right, it is a sacred thing to be there and hold someone’s hand when they leave this life. We never truly lose those we love…. they are a part of us. Eternally.
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