Restless night. Mostly introspective spirits stalk the passages in my mind. Usually, I write to entertain, to inform or to amuse. This is a totally self serving screed, however, and if you find it too wearisome, move on to the next blog. I really don’t know why I am even publishing it.
Odd … I sit here a little bit after dinner, the urge to write is upon me, but I don’t have anything I wish to write about. I did a quick post with updates on Google+, Blogster and facebook. Cupid. Rhymes with … then just as quickly went back and deleted the inanity.
Sometimes that works for me. Make a statement, no matter how ridiculous, and let it flow. But tonight, it just embarrassed me, and if it didn’t insult you, it should have. You deserve better from me.
My soul is suddenly, unexplainably unquiet again. I feel like that child in the sandbox who traces a picture, then in a fit, wipes it away because it doesn’t look at all like what they had in mind.
I see a pattern in these subterranean upheavals when I am skirting around spiritual revelations, when the foundations of belief and knowledge shift. I usually don’t cast my pearls around on blog sites and street corners, and I shant delve into them here, though I really wish it was a place where I felt truly free to do so without couching them in obscure turns of phrase. So they go into the minds diary, but they just won’t reside their quietly.
Maybe I need a confessor. The problem is that the few remaining peers in my life are hugely learned men in PARDES, a mystical system of study in some theological circles. I can occasionally wow them on an intuitive level, but never on obscure foundational issues.
It’s as if you woke one morning, and discovered that your mother and father changed overnight. Though their love for you and sense of duty toward you and your education didn’t diminish, their whole demeanor changed, and their expectations of you grew to terrifying heights of perfection. Yes, there is mercy, but it comes at a soul crushing cost. Who can survive it?
I have passed the point of no return. It is victory or ruin because now I know.